My posts on social media lately have been all about the joy and providence I am seeing God bring to my life, specifically with wrapping my brain around the fact that I am growing a business. As real as that is, I realized if I am sharing that, I want to be able to share the some of the harder things as well.
As turbulent as this time is and as much as I am gaining, I am so terrified of this growth. My big toe is just barely dipping into this ocean of growing up, and it makes me want to shut down altogether sometimes. The reality is, I have no idea what I am doing. And the even more daunting reality is, I have no idea where I am going.
The truth is that I have run from photography for a long time now. For the past couple of years, I have been desperate to find something ELSE to focus on. I settled with the concept that I can just get by with photography until I won't need it anymore.
To be more blunt, I have been running from career. Taking photos is one thing, I could do that; but becoming my own boss? Growing a business that evolves around a skill I possess? Embracing the thought of building toward success and financial freedom and "making it" and all of those things that the world tells me are important? It has all felt, and often still feels, like a lonely dream not really worth dreaming.
But I realized every time I turned away, God kept putting it back in my lap, as if to say, "Chelsey, quit running from this. I have this for you. Trust me here." I wasn't really taking the bait until recently when I more or less became forced to take a more serious look at how photography fits into my life. You see, I don't aspire to be a 20-something entrepreneur who's name people know. That really just sounds nice for someone else. Growing up, dreams of career never entered my brain, and though entrepreneurial goals are very much in trend at the moment it has been a hard thing to DECIDE to start dreaming.
Yet, God works in mysterious ways. Somehow, in a little crevice of my heart, he has birthed a desire to do this. It has had to have time and lots of love to grow, but slowly I am seeing the blossoming of some part of me that will push the rest of my scared little body off of the shore and into the water. I am willing and wanting, but still unsure. This place brings out so many of my insecurities; often I think it's the very reason God thought to have me here in the first place. I have had to BELIEVE I have something to offer here. And I have to be okay with the fact that it won't ever fill this deeper longing within me. And I have come to see that He probably did that on purpose.
So, in my vulnerability I have made a little deal with the Lord. I'm going to dive in and do my best here if he'll shape it. It can look however he wants it to look and be however big or small he cares for it to be, so long as he is in control. It's a place of needing to trust him, because the second we start in on this path, I want to ask a million questions about all the other things I'm longing for that I'm afraid will be suffocated or prolonged.
I am excited but also afraid. I am hopeful but also questioning. This is just what my hands have found to do in this season, so I'm going for it.
I'm here, showing up, because He is showing up here, and I want more of Him. Is that okay? I want to be all in and give my best. Past that, I don't have any answers, and I really struggle because for some reason I don't ever feel like that answer is enough, like I am falling short of a grown up by saying it. But what if it's enough for me?
I'm learning about the beauty of broken places right now. In times of pain and uncertainty I can still be grateful. And I am. But sometimes it's just difficult, and I want that to be okay.